Lately I have been in a depressed mood due to everything that has been going on. I have been having so many flashbacks of everything that it's really starting to take a toll on me in more ways than one. I have been having so many panic/anxiety attacks, I am so short fused that it's not even funny and I have been just biting almost everyone's head off. This is usually not me and I know that, that's why I went and got help for it. I went and got on antidepressents/antianxiety meds. A lot of people don't think that you should take them, but you know what, I am a firm believer that they can help and with you helping yourself as well you can pull through it.
I have been through all of this before, I have been put on these meds before as well, I used them until I didn't need them anymore. I learned coping skills to help me through everything before and now those coping skills are no longer helping, so I have to either learn new ones or with the help of the meds and the coping skills that I use. I can't keep going through this, I have to make myself stronger for myself and my family.
Never feel like you are never going to get through anything, because you are and it's going to make you so much stronger than you actually think. I know that for so many years I thought that everything that I went through (which was pretty much my whole life) that I was nothing but a weak person, but in the end I learned that I was actually a lot stronger than I thought that I was. I don't take any kind of crap from anyone anymore, no one talks down to me and if they do, you better believe that I dish it right back out to them. I don't even allow people to talk down to any of my friends either (male or female). If I live close enough, you better believe that I just right into the middle of it and I let it be known. When I am able to, I would love to go and volunteer at like the YWCA or something.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Monday, January 28, 2013
0
My abuse story
My name is Mandy
and I have been abused by 4 different people in my life, pretty much my
whole life, from the age of 4 till I was 26 years old. I figured that
it was time to let my story be heard. Here is my story:
When I was about 4 years old we moved into a duplex. My parents & our neighbors next to us ended up becoming friends and that year they would start to babysit me and my younger brother. At this time I was about 6 years old and they had an older son who was in junior high at the time. Every morning and after school he would have me go upstairs to his room where he would start to molest me. He would start to put his fingers in my vagina and sometimes even in my butt. This went on for a few years until we moved and got a new babysitter. There were mornings when we would go to their house and I would try and pretend that I was asleep just so he would leave me alone, but there was always after school. There were times where he would make me do things to him, but he mostly did things to me. I never told my parents because he always told me that he would hurt me. I later found out years ago that he is now in prison and has been there for awhile now, because he was molesting and had raped some young girls. I am just very happy that someone was able to come forward about him and he got caught.
Growing up I would spend my summers up north (I live in Vancouver, WA and they lived in a little town by Puyallup, WA called Sumner, WA) with my grandparents. When I was about 8 years old I was starting to stay the night at my cousin's house (my cousin was a female BTW) and at first things were okay, but come the next year things started to change. She started forcing herself upon me and started doing things to me sexually. She would put her fingers inside of me, she would force herself on me and start to fondle with my breasts. I will admit that I was afraid of her growing up. She always had an anger problem and she was a lot bigger then me. Finally one summer when I was 12, I stood up to her and told her she could no longer threaten me and she would never abuse me again. She tried to pin me up against the wall in her parents room, but I started to scream. She tried to hit me and cover my mouth, but that didn't work either. I fought back that time. I left that day with my grandma and never saw that cousin again. My mom never knew about either one of those abusers, up until a few years ago when I finally broke down and told her.
My third abuser was my ex-boyfriend (and the father to my two older children). At first things were okay. We had a little family together. We had a 3 year old boy and were getting ready to have our 2nd little boy. We had our ups and downs in the past, but I thought that he had changed and I thought that he had changed for the better, needless to say, he was very good at his acting. Things started to change little by little after our 2nd son was born. He started to become verbally, mentally, & emotionally abusive towards me. He told me that I was a fat bitch and that I was totally ugly and I should be glad that I had him cause I could never get another guy. No on is going to want used goods as he would put it. This went on almost daily for about 6 months. After 6 months went by, he had started to force himself upon me and basically rape me. Why I never did anything about it, I am still not sure till this day, but I know that I should have done something. That went on every night for about 3 month, then that is when the physical abuse started and he had stopped forcing himself upon me. At first is started off with him dragging me around or flinging me around. Then it went to pushing me into things like the wall or the kitchen table. When we would get into arguments I would finally just grab my children and leave (or at least try to leave). Any time I would try to leave he would open the driver side door and stand there so I couldn't leave or he would stand behind my car so I couldn't pull out of the garage. Finally I got the nerve to where if he would stand behind my car, I would still start my car, put it in reverse and slowly start to back out, he would move out of the way. Once I was able to get out of the garage, he would try to stand in front of my car, thinking that I would just pull right back into the garage, but I wouldn't, I would slowly start to move forward until he would finally just move out of the way totally and I would leave with my boys. I had no way of contacting the police when things would happen, because he always made sure I was always paying the bills, even though he worked a full time job too, and my paychecks were not enough to cover all the bills, plus child care, gas for my car and food, so the house phone ended up being disconnected along with my cell phone. Towards the end of our relationship I found out that he was cheating on me. When I finally broke up with him he still lived with for awhile (maybe a few weeks). When I would hear him talking crap about me to his new girlfriend & in front of our kids, I would tell him to leave and get out of my house. One time he did leave and I locked the door & latched the top part (I had to put a hotel latch on the top part of the front door because my oldest son would open the front door and get out anytime he "father" was supposed to be taking care of him). So when he heard me latch the top latch, he unlocked the door, opened it up a little and then kicked the front door open. My oldest son was so scared. A few nights after that I overheard him talking to his girlfriend on the phone (his cell phone was the only phone in the house), he was calling me all kinds of names and I finally had enough, so I told him to get out of my house, I was not going to allow him to talk bad about me in front of my kids (he was calling me names like cunt, bitch, slut, whore, etc). So he grabbed me by my arm and threw me back into my bedroom to where I would slam into the wall and hit my head, that happened 3 more times, but this time I was determined to not back down. The last time he did it I took his cell phone and threw it as hard as I could and ended up breaking it. He finally left. The next day I called the sheriff's from work and they met me and my leasing office manager at my apartment and had them change the locks to my door. I had a friend stay with me that night & I was able to find an old cell phone and the charger so that I could call 911 like the officer told me to do when my ex came back home. The officer told me that he was sure that my ex was going to be mad when he got back to the apartment because the locks were changed, so if he did, to call 911. My ex did end up coming back to the apartment that night and he did get mad. I called the cops like I was told to do and well so did my ex. So we ended up have 4 officers at the apartment that night. The officer that was there from earlier that night responded to my call and sent the other two officers away. They escorted my ex into the apartment and told him to get what he needed, give me back my car keys and not to return back to my apartment or he would be arrested for trespassing. The next day I went and got a DV (domestic violence) restraining order on him. It didn't last long though because I ended up dropping it because he was breaking the restraining order and the cops were not doing a thing about it. He no longer has contact with my children and hasn't since 2007. My oldest son finally admitted to me that his biological father (my ex) molested him, would ask him to have sex with him and all of this other stuff. My oldest son is in counseling and has been since 2009 because of anger problems and anxiety because of his biological father. My ex and his girlfriend would tell him that he would never see his mommy again and that she was going to be their new mommy.
My fourth abuser was my dad. He would verbally, mentally, emotionally, and physically abuse me, my mom and my 2 younger brothers. The abuse started when I was very young. Almost every day he would tell me that I wasn't his daughter, how much he hated my guts because I was a girl, he wishes my mom would have had an abortion with me, and he never wanted me in the first place and he wishes that I would just die. It was horrible hearing those words come from your own fathers mouth. The physical abuse didn't start until I was a bit older, around like 7 or 8 years old. When I was about 12 years old I started getting really tired of him beating on my mom all the time, so any time he would start to get abusive towards her I would get in the middle of it. Anytime he had been drinking we knew he was going to get physical, it was just a matter of time. It was almost like he was a ticking time bomb, we just never knew when he was going to blow. The cops were called on him numerous times and he would be taken to jail, but for some reason my mom would always take him back and we could never figure out why. When I was 16 years old he has backed me up against the wall, he swung to go and punch me, but I had moved my head to where he punched the wall and I swung at that very same moment and ended up getting him instead. From that day on, he never got physical with me again, but he still continued with the emotional, verbal, and mental abuse. That continued on for years and years and years. Up until he was in his car accident in July 2004. He shouldn't have lived to begin with, but he was given a second chance. Once he was able to come to and talk he apologized to all of us and we all forgave him. We had our dad back, but we only had him back for a short period of time. I lost my dad on September 17th, 2005, just 3 days after my oldest son's 3rd birthday. I was also 8 months pregnant with my 2nd child when he passed away.
Thank you all for taking the time to read all of this, sorry that it's so long, but I felt that after all of these years that it was finally time to have my voice be heard and for people to read my story. I am proud to say that I am a survivor and because of everything that has happened to me in my life, it has made me a much stronger person today.
When I was about 4 years old we moved into a duplex. My parents & our neighbors next to us ended up becoming friends and that year they would start to babysit me and my younger brother. At this time I was about 6 years old and they had an older son who was in junior high at the time. Every morning and after school he would have me go upstairs to his room where he would start to molest me. He would start to put his fingers in my vagina and sometimes even in my butt. This went on for a few years until we moved and got a new babysitter. There were mornings when we would go to their house and I would try and pretend that I was asleep just so he would leave me alone, but there was always after school. There were times where he would make me do things to him, but he mostly did things to me. I never told my parents because he always told me that he would hurt me. I later found out years ago that he is now in prison and has been there for awhile now, because he was molesting and had raped some young girls. I am just very happy that someone was able to come forward about him and he got caught.
Growing up I would spend my summers up north (I live in Vancouver, WA and they lived in a little town by Puyallup, WA called Sumner, WA) with my grandparents. When I was about 8 years old I was starting to stay the night at my cousin's house (my cousin was a female BTW) and at first things were okay, but come the next year things started to change. She started forcing herself upon me and started doing things to me sexually. She would put her fingers inside of me, she would force herself on me and start to fondle with my breasts. I will admit that I was afraid of her growing up. She always had an anger problem and she was a lot bigger then me. Finally one summer when I was 12, I stood up to her and told her she could no longer threaten me and she would never abuse me again. She tried to pin me up against the wall in her parents room, but I started to scream. She tried to hit me and cover my mouth, but that didn't work either. I fought back that time. I left that day with my grandma and never saw that cousin again. My mom never knew about either one of those abusers, up until a few years ago when I finally broke down and told her.
My third abuser was my ex-boyfriend (and the father to my two older children). At first things were okay. We had a little family together. We had a 3 year old boy and were getting ready to have our 2nd little boy. We had our ups and downs in the past, but I thought that he had changed and I thought that he had changed for the better, needless to say, he was very good at his acting. Things started to change little by little after our 2nd son was born. He started to become verbally, mentally, & emotionally abusive towards me. He told me that I was a fat bitch and that I was totally ugly and I should be glad that I had him cause I could never get another guy. No on is going to want used goods as he would put it. This went on almost daily for about 6 months. After 6 months went by, he had started to force himself upon me and basically rape me. Why I never did anything about it, I am still not sure till this day, but I know that I should have done something. That went on every night for about 3 month, then that is when the physical abuse started and he had stopped forcing himself upon me. At first is started off with him dragging me around or flinging me around. Then it went to pushing me into things like the wall or the kitchen table. When we would get into arguments I would finally just grab my children and leave (or at least try to leave). Any time I would try to leave he would open the driver side door and stand there so I couldn't leave or he would stand behind my car so I couldn't pull out of the garage. Finally I got the nerve to where if he would stand behind my car, I would still start my car, put it in reverse and slowly start to back out, he would move out of the way. Once I was able to get out of the garage, he would try to stand in front of my car, thinking that I would just pull right back into the garage, but I wouldn't, I would slowly start to move forward until he would finally just move out of the way totally and I would leave with my boys. I had no way of contacting the police when things would happen, because he always made sure I was always paying the bills, even though he worked a full time job too, and my paychecks were not enough to cover all the bills, plus child care, gas for my car and food, so the house phone ended up being disconnected along with my cell phone. Towards the end of our relationship I found out that he was cheating on me. When I finally broke up with him he still lived with for awhile (maybe a few weeks). When I would hear him talking crap about me to his new girlfriend & in front of our kids, I would tell him to leave and get out of my house. One time he did leave and I locked the door & latched the top part (I had to put a hotel latch on the top part of the front door because my oldest son would open the front door and get out anytime he "father" was supposed to be taking care of him). So when he heard me latch the top latch, he unlocked the door, opened it up a little and then kicked the front door open. My oldest son was so scared. A few nights after that I overheard him talking to his girlfriend on the phone (his cell phone was the only phone in the house), he was calling me all kinds of names and I finally had enough, so I told him to get out of my house, I was not going to allow him to talk bad about me in front of my kids (he was calling me names like cunt, bitch, slut, whore, etc). So he grabbed me by my arm and threw me back into my bedroom to where I would slam into the wall and hit my head, that happened 3 more times, but this time I was determined to not back down. The last time he did it I took his cell phone and threw it as hard as I could and ended up breaking it. He finally left. The next day I called the sheriff's from work and they met me and my leasing office manager at my apartment and had them change the locks to my door. I had a friend stay with me that night & I was able to find an old cell phone and the charger so that I could call 911 like the officer told me to do when my ex came back home. The officer told me that he was sure that my ex was going to be mad when he got back to the apartment because the locks were changed, so if he did, to call 911. My ex did end up coming back to the apartment that night and he did get mad. I called the cops like I was told to do and well so did my ex. So we ended up have 4 officers at the apartment that night. The officer that was there from earlier that night responded to my call and sent the other two officers away. They escorted my ex into the apartment and told him to get what he needed, give me back my car keys and not to return back to my apartment or he would be arrested for trespassing. The next day I went and got a DV (domestic violence) restraining order on him. It didn't last long though because I ended up dropping it because he was breaking the restraining order and the cops were not doing a thing about it. He no longer has contact with my children and hasn't since 2007. My oldest son finally admitted to me that his biological father (my ex) molested him, would ask him to have sex with him and all of this other stuff. My oldest son is in counseling and has been since 2009 because of anger problems and anxiety because of his biological father. My ex and his girlfriend would tell him that he would never see his mommy again and that she was going to be their new mommy.
My fourth abuser was my dad. He would verbally, mentally, emotionally, and physically abuse me, my mom and my 2 younger brothers. The abuse started when I was very young. Almost every day he would tell me that I wasn't his daughter, how much he hated my guts because I was a girl, he wishes my mom would have had an abortion with me, and he never wanted me in the first place and he wishes that I would just die. It was horrible hearing those words come from your own fathers mouth. The physical abuse didn't start until I was a bit older, around like 7 or 8 years old. When I was about 12 years old I started getting really tired of him beating on my mom all the time, so any time he would start to get abusive towards her I would get in the middle of it. Anytime he had been drinking we knew he was going to get physical, it was just a matter of time. It was almost like he was a ticking time bomb, we just never knew when he was going to blow. The cops were called on him numerous times and he would be taken to jail, but for some reason my mom would always take him back and we could never figure out why. When I was 16 years old he has backed me up against the wall, he swung to go and punch me, but I had moved my head to where he punched the wall and I swung at that very same moment and ended up getting him instead. From that day on, he never got physical with me again, but he still continued with the emotional, verbal, and mental abuse. That continued on for years and years and years. Up until he was in his car accident in July 2004. He shouldn't have lived to begin with, but he was given a second chance. Once he was able to come to and talk he apologized to all of us and we all forgave him. We had our dad back, but we only had him back for a short period of time. I lost my dad on September 17th, 2005, just 3 days after my oldest son's 3rd birthday. I was also 8 months pregnant with my 2nd child when he passed away.
Thank you all for taking the time to read all of this, sorry that it's so long, but I felt that after all of these years that it was finally time to have my voice be heard and for people to read my story. I am proud to say that I am a survivor and because of everything that has happened to me in my life, it has made me a much stronger person today.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
0
Introduction
Welcome to my blog. I think that the title says it all really. I was abused when I was 4 years old (1985) till I was 25 years old (2006). Was not the easiest 21 years of my life, but because of everything that happened to me, I am not a stronger person from it all. I was abused by 5 different people in my life. It all ranges from verbal, mental, physical, & emotional abuse to molestation. Life was hard until I got with my husband in 2006, since than he has stood by my side and has been my biggest supporter through it all.
I hope you all enjoy my blog, share me with your friends & follow me through all of this. I'm a survivor of abuse and if I can do it, so can you. ^_^
Love,
Mandy
I hope you all enjoy my blog, share me with your friends & follow me through all of this. I'm a survivor of abuse and if I can do it, so can you. ^_^
Love,
Mandy
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